So, yesterday was pretty much a wash with the list. I hardly got a thing done. I started on the windows, sills and blinds and then decided that we should go to the eyeglass place before lunch. So, I stopped doing the windows and we got ready to pick up MissKaboom’s glasses. Of course, while we were on that side of town, we stopped into Hobby Lobby. There was some yarn that GuitarGirl was looking for (and I was looking for some specific yarn as well.) After that we went to the “other” Super Walmart (behind Hobby Lobby) to get some ink, but you know how those stops go…. we got ink and a whole lot more.
While out on this trip, I intended that we stop at our grocery store for a few things we needed for the day. Once in super wallyworld, I thought, I can just pick that up here, but promptly forgot that idea. By the time we were done at wallyworld, everyone was “starving” so we picked up some McD’s for a few of them and then GuitarGirl and I got some Subway. They all ate in the truck on the way home, they were so hungry! Once home, we put things up and by that time it was almost time for me to head out to Adoration. This week, I went alone. It was lovely, but I missed having the kids with me. I will say that it was a really good hour and the Lord really impressed a couple of things on me. Things I needed Him to show me, things that I needed pressed deeply in my mind and soul. There are things that I feel that I am beginning to understand about myself. I felt a bit like Eustace when he was a dragon and met up with Aslan. Aslan, in the end, used his huge paws and claws to tear off the scales. I am only in the beginning of the process, of course, for an Hour is not that much time, but I feel it begins. Eustace was never the same. I hope when I look back, I will be able to say the same. Perhaps one day I will elaborate more on that.
My hour is from 3pm to 4pm. When my hour was over, it was time to turn my attention to dinner. After I left Adoration, I headed to the grocery store. That took an hour! I didn’t get that much (though to look at the bottom line of the receipt, you’d think I did!) Once home, I ended up taking a couple of phone calls and then Chief came in and it was time to cook dinner!
I really didn’t do anything yesterday. At least that’s how it felt at the end of the day and I was discouraged. What I did was necessary to do, of course, and it was on “the list” but it really took more time than I expected. I really had entertained the idea that I’d get all of the first floor windows done and knock out my closet, plus several loads of laundry at least. Instead, I got less than half of the windows done, only 2 loads of laundry and nothing else but basic maintenance (dishes, mainly.)
Those days, the days, the days when I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, frustrate me. When the day draws to a close, most often I feel frustrated and discontent, even when I know, on some level, that I did what needed to be done. Yesterday, if I’d have stayed and done all of the windows, the ceiling fans, my closet and the rest, I’d not have been able to pick up the glasses and I would still have trips to wallyworld and hobby lobby on the list ~ and I’d still feel like I failed. I would still be frustrated for not getting further through the list. I know this is true, but seeing the long list for today seems to remove any comfort I might have in knowing that no matter what I did, I would not finish. Somehow, I feel thwarted because I didn’t do what I wanted. What the heck is wrong with me?! If I truly sought to do what duties I have in front of me ~ duties discerned as best as I can ~ any sidetrack or delay (when not due to willfulness, selfishness or laziness) is surely for my own good.
God, in His love and infinite wisdom knows exactly what I, and my family, need from me and when we need it. If this is so, why do I feel so frustrated? I think it is probably because rather than listen to Him, I focused on my plans. Mind you, I think I probably did what He wanted, but in my mind and heart, I clung to what I wanted and to what I planned. I think that is the root of the frustration and discontent I feel. It’s not so much the incomplete tasks that are the problem or a frustration, but rather it’s about me wanting to do what I wanted to do.
In the end, I just have to say not my will (or list) but Yours be done, O Lord! And I will have to be content. In giving Him my day, I have given Him complete license to change and reorder “the list”. I am saying, “Lord, here’s what I think needs to be done. Change what you will, for I do it for love of you. Where I am overzealous, temper me. Where I am under-motivated, move me. Where I am blind, help me to see. Help me to do what you ask in all things.” When I said this, He took me at my word. Like me, at the end of the day, the list is unfinished, incomplete. And that is okay, as long as it is not laziness that is the cause but rather it is obedience that is the cause.
Today is a new day. This is the day the Lord has made! It is a bright, sunny, cool morning. I will rejoice and be glad and thank Him for the fresh start. I will ask Him to be in every detail, to keep my priorities straight and to help me to accomplish everything He asks of me today. As each moment presents itself, as each task comes along, I will ask for His blessing, His strength, and for discernment of His will in that precise moment. I will clean the rest of the windows with a great care and with the knowledge that I am cleaning them for a King, THE King ~ if He allows. As I go about vacuuming and preparing dinner and washing clothes and dishes and cleaning baseboards, He will be my motive. And when He calls me to a specific task, whether on the list or not, I trust He will enable me to respond with a joyful and generous heart.
If today I fail to accomplish everything on my list, I will not allow my plans to be my master. Today I will refuse frustration and discontent the audience they request. Oh, I have a plan for sure. He requires this of me. He requires me to be a good steward of my time, my talents, my treasures. So I must have a plan for this. I must master my self-will and do what is mine to do. I must avoid those distractions that not only keep me from accomplishing my duties, but keep me from obedience to Him and His will. However, I must not make the mistake of making the list, MY list (my plan, my will) my false god for the day. I must be soft, pliable clay in His hands.
Hour by hour, minute by minute, I will, by His grace, submit myself. I will give Him my will and He will give me His. I think that maybe, if I am mindful of this, I just might find that at the end of this day, all is well. Maybe, if I am mindful of this, I can look at my list and see those unfinished tasks and be at peace. If I submerge myself in Him and His will, I can be be content in the knowledge that I sought and did His will, no matter how different the day I actually had is from the day I thought I would have.
God’s glorious and perfect will be done!
God bless you!